Flag Football

Uh…fuck. My bad. Clearly there was some sort of misunderstanding.

You see, I signed up for an intramural flag football league. You know, just something to do on the weekends. But I'll be totally honest, I didn’t understand the whole “flag” thing. I thought the lack of pads and helmets was just a budgeting thing. I mean, I only paid 50 bucks for this. I figured that was just covering, like, a tee shirt and a beer.

On the very first play they send this five foot nothing Vietnamese girl on a slant route across the middle. Now keep in mind, I’m a division two national championship winning middle linebacker. I didn’t want to do what I did, but I had no choice.

You know those videos where a deer gets hit by, like, an F250 and turns into a red mist? Even those are less violent than what I did to this poor woman.

My shoulder went through her ribs with such speed, force, and sexual frustration that the center of her chest cavity now looks like a swimming pool. The deafening crack that was the sound of the back of her head meeting the frozen turf was unlike anything I’d ever heard. And the convulsions, oh god the convulsions. It was like a fish trying its damnedest to flop its way out of the boat and back into the water.

Now everyone’s pissed off at me, and at first, I honestly did not know why. I mean, she signed the same waiver as me. The only difference is she, well, read it.

The only reason I’m not in handcuffs right now is because I spun some bullshit to the cops about how she had been fondling my nuts earlier, and this was an act of self defense. I mean, it's not like she could speak up for herself through the oxygen mask.

I think I’m gonna take up pickleball.