Humane Society

Did you know that the Humane Society has a "do not let this person adopt" list?

Neither did I,, but now I'm fucking on it. All over some stupid misunderstanding.

My first mistake was thinking that, you could rent a cat.

You see, I just needed to borrow a cat for, like,, a day. I was just trying to impress some broad on Tinder who said she liked cats. Using pussy to get some pussy, if you will. I went and bought a 16 year old exotic short hair with the $62 I had on me,, essentially ganking the poor bastard off the euthanasia table. I bring the limping piss machine back to my apartment just before my date shows up, and that's where things take a turn for the worse.

Safe to say I'd/ never given a cat CPR before.

Despite my date repeatedly telling me she "got the point, I kept dropping the prick, trying to get it to land on its feet.

Excuse me for trying to exploit what little feline knowledge I had.

Anyway, upon the 47th attempt, the poor fucker went limp and quit breathing. i guess his weak, geriatric bones couldn't withstand being slammed onto the hardwood from 5 feet up that many times. so here i am trying to use the hallway defibrillator to revive a cat that i haven't named yet. Not to mention, my date wasn't offering any help at all, just crying and calling me a monster. Clearly she hasn't appreciated the effort I've put into this evening.

Anyway, after like nine zaps, the thing jerks awake with an nightmarish screech,, thankfully saving me a late night trip to the back alley dumpster.

Upon returning to the shelter, I was stunned to find out that I couldn't simply return the cat. I figured this whole deal was kind of like a library or a Hollywood Video, but nope, they mean it when they say forever homes. Those PETA assholes also called the cops on my for the moggie's broken ribs. I figured i'd just lose out on the security deposit (which i was rudely reminded didn't exist), but now I'm facing charges for animal cruelty.

All this trouble and I didn't get so much as a handy-j.