New Mexico

Can someone please let me know the fastest and cheapest way to go about getting a paternity test? Matter of fact, can someone get me in contact with Maury god damn Povich, because I believe this dilemma requires a public shaming of the highest degree.

Let me take a few steps back. About four years ago, I came home to find my wife having sex with a Little Caesar's manager. After a messy few weeks of divorce court, the two of them ran off to New Mexico, and it's been radio silence ever since. The longer I went without hearing from her, the more I started to not just think but hope that maybe she had finally kicked it. After all, it's what she would have deserved.

Anyway, I get a letter in the mail this morning tell me that I gotta start paying child support for her baby that was born just last week. Apparently Uncle Sam thinks I'm on the hook for hot and ready's baby.

Well, I ain't having that. I took the 11 hour drive to Albuquerque to try and get this whole ordeal sorted out. Turns out there is no baby. I guess pizza pizza has a cousin in the local gov and the three of them forged the whole thing as some sort of goof at my expense.

I've talked to every lawyer in the state, but they won't take my case because "you're not allowed in here in flip flops". Now I'm really fucked because I've got less than a month before the first check is due, and I blew the last of my cash driving around seeing the Breaking Bad sites.