Uber

Right as I’m leaving work it starts pouring rain, so naturally, I order an Uber.

I kid you not, within 30 seconds of ordering the ride, this dented up purple Honda Civic comes barreling down the street at 80 miles an hour, veers into the parking lot, and almost takes out a family of four in the process.

I reluctantly hop in and greet my driver, Yegevny - a 50 year old Russian bodybuilder with an odd number of eyes and a back of the head with, those, like, folds? Ya know? I only noticed this because his seats didn’t have headrests. He doesn’t respond to my greeting as he’s blasting Daft Punk at full volume and has a mouthful KFC chicken.

Before I’m all the way buckled in, he throws the car in reverse and drifts around the building and onto the main street. Now let me tell ya, I’ve never been more terrified in a vehicle in my entire life. This maniac was out of control - I’m talking speeding, running red lights, and going the wrong way down one way streets. I tried to speak up multiple times, but every time I said something he would scream at me in Russian and hit me with a chicken bone.

It somehow gets even worse - After cutting off a semi and receiving a much deserved horn, he chucks on the emergency brake and whips the car sideways, blocking both lanes of traffic. He proceeds to get out of the car, rip off his soccer jersey, and beat the absolute piss out of the truck driver. He finished the job with a WWE-esque chokeslam that left that poor guy in a puddle of his own blood and brain matter. Yegevny then gets back in, looks me dead in the eye, and, in perfect English, says “That’s my favorite part of the job.”

The rest of the ride home was made incredibly awkward on account of his massive erection and psychotic laughter. When we finally reach my destination, he insists that I pay in cash, which isn’t how it's done. I tried to explain this to him, but then I got a good look at the hunting knife he keeps in the cupholder, and that…well that was pretty persuasive.

The craziest part? I only live, like, four blocks away.